Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell is Bleeding

"[about his mother] Chris Titus: Without her I don't exist. Without her, I wouldn't be doing this for a living. Without her, in four states, it would still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine. She touched a lot of lives. Diagnosed manic depressive schizophreinc. Actually, it was pretty cool as a kid, 'cause I never really knew *who* was coming to dinner. But I was pretty sure they were going to be bummed out. It used to piss my teachers off. All my permission slips had different signatures on them. [laughter] Chris Titus: "Okay, Mr. Smart Ass, why don't you stand up? Who's this one supposed to be?" [as a whining kid] Chris Titus: "It's my mom." [laughs] Chris Titus: "Call her. But let me listen, let me listen, let me listen! I'll bet my lunch money she's Wheezy Jefferson today.""

"Chris Titus: My mom's insane. Of course, I don't mean "My mom is insane!" I mean, "We the jury find the defendant." When I was a kid, she was in a mental care facility. Or as dad so eloquently put it, "she's shacked up in the whacko basket!" TSSH. [Pantomimes opening a beer] Chris Titus: "Sleep well, boy!" It actually comforts me to know that when I was in kindergarten gluing maccaroni to paper plates, my mom was in therapy gluing maccaroni to paper plates. I used to put her projects on the refrigerator. [Nervous laughter from audience] Chris Titus: You'd better lighten the fuck up, 'cause we're going a lot farther than *that* tonight."